Particularly if the relationship is fairly new, an argument can feel like a sign that something is fatally wrong and that we are in danger of being abandoned. And over the long run, passive-aggressive behavior can destroy a relationship. Arguments with a partner can really make us anxious. Argue in good faith. Arguments in relationships are not a bad thing, they’re inevitable and can make your relationship better. That desire to avoid can be mighty. It is so easy to let frustration, disappointment, and anger shoot out of us in sniping words intended to sting and provoke. Your partner’s experience is their experience. Go work out, catch a movie, decompress. I realized that I often said “I’m sorry if… ” when I felt my actions or words were being misinterpreted. First, there is a category of arguments that happen in relation to facts – what happened and when, who was President during the first World War, or how many states ratified the ERA. Don’t let the resentment snowball. If your partner tells you they don’t like the fact that you have put on weight, it pays to reply honestly. Say how you feel and how things look to you, but don’t pretend to “know” things you don’t. It should go without saying, but in a healthy relationship, you should always treat your partner with respect — even (or perhaps especially) at times when you're upset with … Instead, figure out what a resolution to the situation looks like. Don’t attack. Being silent when someone is yelling doesn’t mean that you condone their behavior (or think you deserve it), but it can render it unnecessary. Posted Jan 31, 2020 You don’t want to hurt the other person or make the other person feel badly in any way. Articulate to your partner that you can see things from their point of view and that their perspective is valid–even if you don’t agree with it yourself. If you enjoyed this post, you might also like: I Saw My Soulmate for the First Time in Thirty-Five Years This Week, I Hate Being Single, But I Need to Be Single, Here’s What You Should Do With Your Annoying Friends, Three things you can do to be happier in your romantic relationship, Unlock Your Creativity, Avoid The Dementors. It isn’t realistic to aim never to argue with our partners; far better to learn how to argue fruitfully and well. 9 Ways to Effectively Argue with your Partner. It may seem like a small distinction, but there’s a big difference. That’s because getting a good night’s sleep can make conflict resolution much easier the next day. If you are the offended party, the temptation to come out with the proverbial guns blaring, aiming to win this showdown, can be real, especially if your anger feels justified by the other party’s misdeed. You can both communicate what you need without repeating the fight. So our only genuine option is to work through them. But knowing that there is no under, over or around conflict means you must address it straight on. I have gotten better at it and you can too. Watch more Be Your Own Marriage Counselor videos: http://www.howcast.com/videos/307271-How-to-Argue-with-Your-Partner Channel those … When you embrace this idea, and put it into practice, your arguments get shorter, more productive, and further and farther between. An argument is often not about what you think it’s about. If both parties are upset, but you feel you can wait to speak, then allow your partner to speak first. This means calmly explaining why you are hurt/upset/angry/disappointed without ascribing intent to their actions that they haven’t verified. But wait a minute, before you develop a storehouse of past offences, check out these nine (9) ways to effectively argue with your partner. That can scare the hell out of us. Make it a rule and stick to it – you or your partner will not use swear words when you argue. It helps to remember that when someone we love does something we don’t understand there is usually at least one piece of information that we are missing. 99% of the time, I’m willing to drop my defences once I know my partner has heard and understood me to a degree. These tactics work best if both partners use them, but you can definitely see improvements if you start leading by example. How to Argue With Your Partner Fight for the relationship, not against one other. What Eyelash Length Do People Find Most Attractive? When you and your partner enter into a disagreement, it’s important to realize that you have each other’s best interests at heart. And the good thing is, we don’t have to “fix” these patterns all at once. This does not help you toward your goal of getting through the conflict. You can’t avoid your partner, so that’s not an option. Even if we hurt someone accidentally or unintentionally, we still need to apologize. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? I’ve always hated conflict. You can even simply acknowledge their emotions if you don’t necessarily agree with their argument: “I see I hurt your feelings.” Take responsibility or apologize if you’re in the wrong. There is only so long a reasonable person can yell into silence before they realize they sound ridiculous. So does your partner. If you have done something to hurt or upset your partner, there will be a time to explain your thoughts surrounding your misdeed but make no mistake, they are not part of an apology. Unless your partner is psychic, you need to convey to them what you're feeling with actual words. "Make sure that you allow your partner to fully make their argument before you start to explain your side of the issue. Give your partner the information and opportunity to give you what you need by clearly sharing your perspective. Any argument happens because people on both sides care. Brooke Cagle (CC0) via Unsplash 2. The places we are wounded become places we can connect more deeply, as we listen, hold space, and help each other grow. My shoulders fall back down (into place) and I can begin to relax. We can’t help it. I can be a major interrupter and every time it makes things worse. However, discussions turn into arguments when one person and maybe both people, want something that they’re not getting – where that something is less tangible, like respect, attention, empathy, or support. Remember, you are responsible for your feelings, not your partner. Because it’ll lower your partner’s defence-mode and it’ll help open them up to hearing your side of things without getting too triggered by the argument. It’s not about “winning”, even if you know you are right. How to Argue with Your Partner Typically relationship experts focus on how not to argue with your partner, not with them. Fight to keep love alive. There are ways that you can stick to the argument without it blowing up out of control. The key, then, is to create space for what the other cares about – listen – and let that care evolve in response to where you are. Sometimes it’s actually terrible advice. I hope not. Updated September 20, 2018 . They make it sound like you’re making an exception or an excuse, instead of an apology. Your ability to communicate is important and helps with feeling more of a bond with your partner, but if nothing changes, you’ll be having the same conversations again in a week. So, saddle up. Don’t follow the same script and try a new solution. You both can’t have your way, so an argument will soon follow. If your partner puts on weight and you don’t like it, you have to tell them. If you “win”, then your partner “loses”, and do you really want to make your spouse into a loser? There are some things that are just not worth it. It is a toxic cycle that I see in many couples I counsel. So, trying to argue further about misconceptions during the fight will likely have bad results. It would be like boxing an opponent who just stood in the ring. One partner keeps lecturing and persevering on his or her point, while the other one feels increasingly wary and disconnected. Being in love can be nice, it makes you feel incredible; like anything is possible and only good things can happen. By the time an argument happens, resentment and frustration may have been accumulating for days, weeks, months, even years. This is something I used to be very guilty of doing. Really hearing their point of view may even be enough to avoid a fight by giving you information that you’d been lacking to overcome a misunderstanding. A person who doesn’t care has no reason to fight. Still, it took years of research, reading, and experience to come to my own sense of how best to avoid an argument with my partner and how best to end it when it occurs. Mandate, Shmandate: Who Is (and Is Not) Staying at Home? You’re only thinking of what you want to say. That can scare the hell out of us. Remember back when you were in school and you could either stay up super late writing your paper or go to bed and get up early to finish it? I said “I’m sorry, but… ” when I wanted to emphasize that what I’d done was not intentional. Is it an apology? Even if it seems like the only possible explanation. Be responsible. The other day, I was sitting outside on our front patio as the kids collected flowers, rocks, and twigs to do who knows what — most likely bring them in the house and forget about them. Couples that are confident in their ability to work through arguments are more confident in the strength of their relationship. Even if you bury it, it will rise again. There’s no victory in that. How to respectfully argue with your partner. 1. How to Argue with Your Partner. Neither does our partner. Psychology Today © 2020 Sussex Publishers, LLC. As a result of this, you bottle all the shortcomings of your partner in your heart, patiently waiting for the day that your cup of anger will overflow, and then, you vent all your anger on your partner. You might even come back at partner with a "Well, and you did…" Your partner then defends their actions and both of you end up with your shields up. 1. Then, return to the argument when you feel ready to talk effectively. That’s because character assassination is just another way of making them into a “loser”. It comes down to simple principle we share: An argument is not over until we're grateful that it happened. But the reason we can’t, when we can’t, has less to do with the issue and more with those intangible needs listed above. If you still feel the hatred for your partner, simply take a moment and think about how your life would have been if you had not met this person. By Tobi Afolabi Thursday, May 14, 2020 - 00:21 . Plus, if your goal is to work through conflict as quickly as possible, interrupting only drags things out longer. What to know about what you don’t know you know. Fight until you drop into a place of pure gratitude for the other person, who’s here fighting alongside you. Care wants to move to where it is needed. Try to calm the situation down by offering love and understanding. A correction? And even during an argument, there is peace to be found in knowing that you will work it out (even if you haven’t yet) because you know the tactics to get you there. 4. Neither of these is a good idea. An explanation? By Peter Jaret | October 12, 2017 Print; Bookmark ; Robert W. Levenson, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, studies how couples interact, looking for clues to marital stability and satisfaction. Arguments with a partner can really make us anxious. Chances are, you argue with your partner in the same way your parents did (scary thought, isn’t it?). Be honest. But the reason it happens is not because you shared your feelings, it’s because your partner has feelings to share as well. Don’t argue about one thing if something else is bothering you. Uncertain. Over the years I’ve discovered some simple strategies that help me navigate disagreements and arguments with my husband and those I love (as well as those I love less) so I can regain my beloved peace, tranquility and conflict-free existence as soon as possible. If you interrupt while the other person is speaking it makes it obvious that you aren’t listening to them. Three Important Lessons From the Year of COVID-19, Thrive and Survive COVID-19: Loving Life Lengthens It, The #1 Thing to Do to Set Yourself Up for a Better Year. Look it up. It’s too much to expect that you never argue with your lover, spouse, or partner in romantic crime. November 15, 2020 by Adam Lavne. If someone is yelling, the best thing you can often do is be quiet. 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